Rachel MB

And you shall take me strongly
In your arms again
And I will not remember
That I even felt the pain 

We shall walk and talk
In gardens all misty wet, misty wet with rain
And I will never, never, never
Grow so old again 

And I will raise my hand up
Into the night time sky
And count the the stars
That’s shining in your eye

• Seven years ago this song found its way into my heart and gave me one of the most intense nostalgic feelings I may have ever had. As I listened it began to tell me the stories of the beautiful lives I’d lived before this one. And it made me sad to listen because I knew I had yet to find beauty of that kind in this life of mine now. 

• My story hasn’t finished, I’m still just in the middle of it. But even so, I’ve found myself in a place where I feel much too selfish to share it. This was my place to say all the things I wanted, and now I don’t need it anymore. My fear no longer owns me, and my words can finally be spoken directly to the one worth hearing them. The one worth holding on to. The one who really sees, the world; and me. 

• And so there I was several days ago, listing to music as I always, always do. When this song came back around into my life, filling my ears not with a forgotten story of a life left behind, but instead with the one I’m living now. And so there I stood in a sun drenched room, smiling and turning around in circles with my hands above my head; happy.

How can I ever know why some stay and others go?…
Time can come and wash away the pain
But I just want my mind to stay the same…
You are a guest here now 

• The gears inside me begin to malfunction, twisting and turning out life as it was, forcing me backwards into what can only remain as mostly sad. And with it there’s a slight sting at the core of my being -A string of distant memories with the few people who’ve come close enough to touch my heart. Each separate in their identity of salty tears and vigorous laughter. But without them I’d be left cold; shivering alone in some forgotten corner. 

• Maybe what I feel now is the side effect of the sweltering heat of the midsummer night’s air. Or the thunderstorms of the nights both long past and to come. But the focus is concentrated and so I fear that these thoughts must be honest in form. -I wouldn’t change a thing; it is the way it is. I needed to be broken, nearly destroyed and devastated. But I can never forget the beauty of it all either, and as I close my eyes a stream of flashes go though me with what feels like a lifetime of happiness. And together the two leave me grateful for where I’m left standing.

• It’s intertwined, it’s in the background, it’s simplistic, it’s genuine. And if there were ever a doubt in your mind, all you need do is look at me. Just look at me, and with that the space around me will quietly fade away, leaving nothing but the turn up of a smile across my mouth. And in those moments know that I shall always, always be completely yours.

• I wish I could write something beautiful. Something that could melt the heart and come by way of a smile. But in my world, all things lovely and worthy are cause for a reaction that pulls down at the center of the heart. My soul wasn’t meant for this era. I feel so lost and out of place. I’m the ghost of someone I used to be. Someone who could move in slow motion, throwing her hands up and dancing to be beat with tinted lashes, pinched cheeks and stained lips. And as she’d turn her head to look at you, she’d then throw it back and laugh much too loud for much too long. So many lifetimes, have I known you always? Everything is spinning; I see too clearly now. Nostalgia is our mourning, for we will never be able to return. And so down and down the music goes, coursing through my veins, my spine, my fingertips; draining all the color from my rosy cheeks, until I ever so slowly begin to yet again fade away. But here you are, existing, in this world now. That in itself is a smile in the corner my heart. A flicker from the life I once led, and the memory or the absolute of you looking at me now. It’s all I’ve ever needed or wanted, please never forget. Dance with me now, I’ll try if you try. Stepping in time together until we find a resembling rhythm that leads us to a picture of black and white. And a day that can once again make my sadness feel beautiful.