Rachel MB

We used to play outside when we were young
And full of life and full of love…
Just let me go we’ll meet again soon
Now wait, wait, wait for me, please hang around
I’ll see you when I fall asleep

• I feel an attachment coming on…to this song that is, and so I’m letting it carry me into the new year. I’m not one for resolutions, but this year I’m going for it. I moved to this city for a reason, and as I let it take me wherever it wanted, my heart began to fill with love, making all that surrounded me vivid and beautiful. These things are still true, but at some point last year, I allowed my fear to grow much too big. So now it’s time I stop hiding behind my own invisible walls and put that fear to good use. Besides, fear tends to make it all worthwhile, and I’m ready to embark on new adventures. Plus, I have a good feeling we’ll make it through.

• P.S. This is the free download on iTunes, so go get and be obsessed. -Happy New Year!

In my heart she left a hole…
And tonight I know it all has to begin again
So whatever you do, don’t let go…
And sing slow it down

• We’re both everything and nothing at the same time, an indefinable gray area that no one understands. But I don’t care what the world around us has to say. I simply want you as you are; as we are.

• As I laid beside you, lost to another world with eyes tightly closed, you said to me, “I feel nothing.” And before the syllables could even finish spilling out, my heart sank and a deep pain rose up, bringing with it my first tears for you. My vulnerable subconscious is terrified of what you could do to me. The wall that I put up so many years ago has turned to ash, and for the first time in my life I feel as though I could actually let someone see me just as I am. My eyes are the give away in to what I’m feeling, and you’re the only person whom I can’t look away from. Each time you hold my gaze everything there is to know about me is exposed. Yet somehow I feel safe, as though you understand everything I feel and everything I am, because at the core of it all, we are the same.

• I see so much color in you. But you’ve tried to tuck it all away into what you think are forgotten corners, leaving nothing but an aura of gray. It may be my favorite color with its clean and slightly harsh attributes, but I see yellow for your intellect, green for your ideals, orange for the creativity you often deprive yourself of, purple for the playful childlike enthusiasm you hold on to, blue for the moments that make you feel alive and red for the pain you’ve lived through and the love you hope to find. You drive me absolutely crazy sometimes, getting under my skin and making me want to scream. What with your inability to stand still and your self-righteous cynicism, it’s down right crazy that I haven’t walked away. But every time I get close to that point, you do something completely unexpected that makes me laugh and reminds me that I’m exactly where I want to be, and that no matter what, I’m on your side.

• Go ahead and call me foolish, but I’d rather be a foolish, silly little girl, taking chances and stumbling through as I allow myself to feel the life I’m in. Even if at the end of the day you do say to me, “I feel nothing,” I’ll simply accept the pain, cry another tear for you and keep going knowing that I tried for something I honestly wanted. You’ve become my favorite lullaby, the thought in my head that lulls me to sleep each night, and as the melody takes over me I can’t help but smile and think of turning around in circles with my hands above my head. Because at the end of my day, it’s that kind of feeling that matters most to me, it’s my version of happy.

I could follow you and search the rubble
Or stay right here and save myself some trouble
Or try to keep myself from seeing double
Or I could make a killing 

• The feeling I get whenever I think of you has changed again, and it seems this is the closest I can get to replicating it. This was my favorite song for a long time, and seeing as how you managed to embed the thought of you into my, Lover, You Should’ve Come Over, well, I suppose it’s only fitting that I carefully place you into this one. Over the past year I’ve learned to come to terms with the fatal tone that’s constantly circling us. Being completely honest with myself, I can say that when I close my eyes and look within, I don’t see you. And love, lust or whatever this complicated emotion I feel, isn’t enough to change that. However, tagging alongside that certainty, is fear that I may never be with someone who has the capacity to see me so clearly. When I finally accepted the fatality of us; I cried. Truth is, I didn’t think you were worthy of my tears before, but now I can see that you are. Because of you I feel free, as though I’m driving with the windows down, listening to my favorite music as I head on to an unknown destination with infinite sunsets and sunrises. See, I was looking for someone who would fit comfortably in the driver seat while I sat smiling on the passenger side. But when you fell into my dream and shifted my dot on the map, I understood that was never meant to be my destiny. Now I know, that when the time is right, I’ll find the person meant to equally share every part of me without fear or hesitation. But just so you know, when our time together does finally play out, I’ll still miss you from time to time, and I will always, always be grateful for having met you.

I will surprise you sometime
I’ll come around 

• I don’t want it to be my simple curiosity pulling me towards you. No, I prefer it to be much more than that. I want it to be something as pure as our innocent friendship. Something sort of beautiful to lighten our dark recognizable similarities. Something not pretend as a nice work of fiction is, but real like the pain I see in your eyes, the pain that’s been torturing me. It’s a hidden secret I so badly wish to know. So that maybe for a second or two, I can carry the burden in my own eyes and look into yours and see that which resembles happiness. I don’t want you to, but I’m pleading for you to run. Run now before the complications start to seep in. Before I add to the disappointments you keep trying to leave in the past. I’ve thought it over again and again, but reason continues to escape me. I’ve made up my mind, please forgive me.

Half of the time we’re gone but we don’t know where
And we don’t know where…
Hey, let your honesty shine, shine, shine now
Like it shines on me 

• Please don’t ever look at me with those sad detached eyes again. Because I’m becoming rather attached and my fragile being isn’t handling it so well. It’s been days now, but I can’t seem to get that look of yours out of my head. Everything was fine until I couldn’t be the friend you needed me to be. What you needed was the opposite of my needs, and so I took the selfish route and focused on myself. We’ve both scarred ourselves mentally and physically. We’re both neurotic and isolated. We both complain a lot, and I swear the more time I spend with you, the more judgmental I become. But I like that you’re honest, you say what you want, you’re not afraid. But me, I’m not so good at being vulnerable, it stirs up panic, but you make it easier. Honestly, I just wanted to say…most people leave; but I like getting kicked out of parks, and drinking too much, and making fun of people, and talking about life over everything from pizza to skittles and I’m even glad that drunk kid followed me around so that you would end up talking to me. So please, don’t disappear.

I’ll take you down the only road I’ve ever been down
You know the one that takes you to the places where all the veins meet…
I need to hear some sounds that recognize the pain in me
I let the melody shine, let it cleanse my mind, I feel free now

• May-I thought that maybe it had gone away, that maybe all the effort I put in had paid off, but I was wrong. And now the memory of that day all those months ago is haunting me. When I close my eyes I see the shards of glass that had burst apart in my failed attempt to be okay. I’m sitting on the kitchen floor; it’s always me on the floor. The broken pieces of glass are staring me down, they start to blur as my eyes overfill with tears. My body is lifeless and numb and the only thought my mind can hold is the one I’ve managed not to think about since I was sixteen. I lost that day.

• February-You disappeared for a while, and I wasn’t sure you’d be back. I knew I’d be fine without you. I don’t need you. But the want I felt at times was overwhelming and I began to hate you for it. And so I busied myself with everything I could think of, because that’s what you do when you don’t want to think about the only thing you actually want to think about. It made me feel exhausted and the next thing I knew I was falling to the floor crying. I only cried over you for a minute, but it didn’t matter. I lost that day

• March-There’s a new painting hanging on my wall, and everyday I find myself staring at it. I want to throw all the black paint I have on that painting, because what stares back at me is nothing more than a lie. It’s a fake emotion of happiness commonly referred to as denial. Painted during a month of downright chaos and I chose colors that even on a good day would make me nauseous. Every day that passes without me sitting down to the floor and making that painting an honest piece of work, well, I lose.

• April-Sitting on the floor in my bedroom, looking at the wall with empty eyes, I realized I lost my balance. I don’t know why everything suddenly went dark, why I didn’t want to meditate or write or why I felt so disconnected from life. It was nothing new, I’ve been dealing with it for years, but suddenly I hated myself for being there again. I was so busy dealing with the ghosts of my past that I neglected to deal with everything at present…

• May-I made the cut. I saw the blood.