Rachel MB

In my heart she left a hole…
And tonight I know it all has to begin again
So whatever you do, don’t let go…
And sing slow it down

• We’re both everything and nothing at the same time, an indefinable gray area that no one understands. But I don’t care what the world around us has to say. I simply want you as you are; as we are.

• As I laid beside you, lost to another world with eyes tightly closed, you said to me, “I feel nothing.” And before the syllables could even finish spilling out, my heart sank and a deep pain rose up, bringing with it my first tears for you. My vulnerable subconscious is terrified of what you could do to me. The wall that I put up so many years ago has turned to ash, and for the first time in my life I feel as though I could actually let someone see me just as I am. My eyes are the give away in to what I’m feeling, and you’re the only person whom I can’t look away from. Each time you hold my gaze everything there is to know about me is exposed. Yet somehow I feel safe, as though you understand everything I feel and everything I am, because at the core of it all, we are the same.

• I see so much color in you. But you’ve tried to tuck it all away into what you think are forgotten corners, leaving nothing but an aura of gray. It may be my favorite color with its clean and slightly harsh attributes, but I see yellow for your intellect, green for your ideals, orange for the creativity you often deprive yourself of, purple for the playful childlike enthusiasm you hold on to, blue for the moments that make you feel alive and red for the pain you’ve lived through and the love you hope to find. You drive me absolutely crazy sometimes, getting under my skin and making me want to scream. What with your inability to stand still and your self-righteous cynicism, it’s down right crazy that I haven’t walked away. But every time I get close to that point, you do something completely unexpected that makes me laugh and reminds me that I’m exactly where I want to be, and that no matter what, I’m on your side.

• Go ahead and call me foolish, but I’d rather be a foolish, silly little girl, taking chances and stumbling through as I allow myself to feel the life I’m in. Even if at the end of the day you do say to me, “I feel nothing,” I’ll simply accept the pain, cry another tear for you and keep going knowing that I tried for something I honestly wanted. You’ve become my favorite lullaby, the thought in my head that lulls me to sleep each night, and as the melody takes over me I can’t help but smile and think of turning around in circles with my hands above my head. Because at the end of my day, it’s that kind of feeling that matters most to me, it’s my version of happy.